Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Marriage Expectations

Roland and I have our second marriage counseling with our preacher this week tonight. Last time he told us to have a list of ten things we expected out of marriage, and per our usual procrastinating selves we waited until the last minute to do our assignment. I've been thinking about it on and off, but I never wrote any of them down. So I've forgotten most of the ones I thought about (hash tag typical). 
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 At first I thought, easy peasy, I know exactly what I expect. But actually thinking about these things, writing them down, for someone else to read, you really start to second guess what you expect out of marriage. I think it's harder because Roland and I have lived together for almost two years. So the things we expected out of marriage that weren't getting fulfilled, we've already discussed and are working on them, so do I still put them in the list? 
Like the fact that I expect him to be home for dinner every night (unless under extreme circumstances)? Since we moved in together there's only been a couple times that we didn't eat dinner together, I can probably count them on two hands, and they were all extreme circumstances like one of  us was out of town, or he had to do inventory at work. But it is something I expect out of our life together, to eat dinner together. 
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I've got the normal things that people expect: Having kids and taking the whole 9 months to decide on a name, to take time for just the two of us, to morally, spiritually, and mentally support Roland wherever his job takes him, to figure out a holiday game plan that works for US and stick with it, and to face our problems together in a "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it" way. 

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So at this point, I reach out to my mom. Asking her what are some things she expects/expected out of her marriage, which originally was a good idea, she gave me some things she expects out of their every day encounters and their weekends, as opposed to looking big picture. What do you expect out of MARRIAGE, the rest of your life that you're spending with this person marriage, is a huge question. My mom turned it into "What do you expect out of your marriage, everyday, marriage." 
Then she started giving me some things that she expects out of her marriage, which are not things that I would expect from Roland (it is seriously scary sometimes, how much Roland and my mom are alike.... scary alike.) So I asked my dad, since him and I are more a like, he'd probably have more insight on things that someone like us (relaxed, laid back, non self starters) would expect. 
Everything my dad expected had to do with communication, communication, communication. Team work, like I said, we're not self starters, so for my mom to say to him "Hey will you start some laundry today" is not uncommon or unwanted. Spending time together, whether that's doing housework, grocery shopping, whatever needs to be done, but doing it together. Honesty, knowing that they can talk about anything, not even about their marriage per-say, but my mom's dreams to be a school teacher, or my dad's dream to own land to hunt/fish on one day.. 

So, with all this insight, I'm off to finish my list. If you have any ideas what you expect out of marriage, or a relationship period, send them my way! All suggestions are appreciated!!! 

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  1. Appreciation. I didn't realize that I expected it. But I want Jason to appreciate me for the things that I do for us, for our house, for myself. And, he wants it too. But you don't think about it until you feel unappreciated for cooking dinner or doing the laundry or cleaning house. And for him: his hard work, his commuting to and fro, his muscle when I simply am not strong enough to do something.

    It seems so easy or obvious. But nothing is so in marriage. Or so I've learned. :)

  2. Pete and I rarely eat dinner together. At first, our schedules were opposite. Now, they're the same but I'm still home a couple of hours earlier than he is and I get too hungry to wait, haha! I definitely like the idea of eating together whenever you possibly can though!

  3. Eating together is important for me too. I like to sit at the dining room table with no TV, no cellphones & just talk with the family. That's really important. :)

    Mandie ~ http://badbrewpack.blogspot.com/